sauvez-moi.

I’m always trying to fight the facts. I’m always trying to be rational and face reality but I’m kind of really hating reality… Like, all the time? All that’s left you can do is deal with it. I do try to, but reality keeps reminding me that my views are too unrealistic. That’s when my hope crumbles, and it doesn’t stop.

Currently bawling my eyes out and it’s probably washing away the eyelash growth stimulator god damn it *first world problems*

I don’t know. I feel… I don’t feel top notch. I’ve been feeling insecure lately and I don’t know why. I look in the mirror and it just doesn’t seem enough. There’s not enough flesh, there’s not enough boobs, there’s not enough intelligence, there’s not enough talent. It hurts. I’m not enough and it scares me that I will never be.

I was watching My Week With Marilyn today. It sounds weird, but I could sort of relate to Marilyn. I’m fragile; I had experiences in my childhood that has affected my confidence in the present; I need encouragement and a reminder that I’m something. Ok it’s not as dramatic as Marilyn Monroe BUT YEAH.

My weight has seemed to fluctuate within the last 2-3 years.

From 2-15 years old, I was “skinny/anorexic” or what ever. But when I came back from America at the start of 2010, I was 50kg. I look back now and think “wow, I was so fat compared to now. God damn American food.”

But throughout 2010, I was still called anorexic, and that baffles me. I gained all this weight in the holidays of 2009-2010, yet everyone still commented on how skinny I was.

Now, I’m down to 45kg. I lost so much weight over the holidays of 2010-2011, and I’ve been stuck on that weight every since. People stopped commenting on my weight now that they know I don’t like it, but just looking back…

Damn I was “fat”. LOL

I DON’T FREAKING UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CALLED ME ANOREXIC AND SKINNY DURING THAT PERIOD OF TIME. WAS I ACTUALLY THAT SKINNY IN 2010? Because all those comments in that year were what really pushed me to the edge. After that, I just had enough and went ballistics on everyone who made a slight comment about my weight or being skinny.

And just realising that, it kind of makes me feel a little more self conscious. If people thought I was skinny back when I was 50kg, what do people think of me now that I’m 45kg? I know I shouldn’t care what people think, and I am happy-ish with my body, but what if my weight just looks really bad………………………. LOL

After things fucked up with my ex, I was beginning to think that guys were lazy assholes with little feelings. But after talking to my guy friends talk about the things they do for their significant other and how special they are, or still care for their exes - I realised I shouldn’t have even generalized that, and I started to believe that there are some decent guys out there. They made me wonder what it’s like to be treated the way they treated their girl.

I was Skyping with my friend last night and he was telling me all the sweet things he did for his (ex) girlfriend. One thing he did was tell her she was beautiful every morning for the past year, even when things started getting rocky. It probably doesn’t seem like much, but I thought it was really cute that he did that for her. 

He asked me if my ex did that for me when we were together, and I said no. It then lead to me telling him how I hated the way I looked since I was 4 years old. And then I started crying… He didn’t notice though (I think), because I was mumbling. Sure, I’ve felt insecure here and there, but it’s not as bad as it was 1-2 years ago. It just kind of baffled me how I still cry when I talk about the things people used to call me, or how I never felt pretty or beautiful. Because I feel fine nowadays. 

It kind of scares me how deep this scar is. I find it hard to believe when someone compliments me on my looks. Especially the word ‘beautiful’, which I find the hardest to believe. If even my own boyfriend wasn’t convinced I was, who the hell would, y’know? That’s why I get all emotional and start crying and shit when someone calls me that. It just kind of shocks me that someone would even think of me like that.

~c0nf3$s10n$ 0f 4n 1n$3cur3 t33n4g3r~

There was a gif on my dash of a girl squeezing her tits together and I thought to myself “I’ll never be able to do that… LMAO”

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where you look into the mirror, and hate everything you see?

You hate the way your hair falls. And the blemishes on your skin. Plus the bumps on your forehead, and the little freckles on your nose. You hate every bit of your torso, and every part of your legs.

Yep, I’m having one of those days. It’s weird, because I was feeling completely fine with myself for a while. Just sometimes, I don’t feel like I look nice. Just today, I feel ugly.

The only reason I wanted to gain weight was so I could get curvier, “”“”healthier”“”” and so everyone would stop looking at me and think ‘damn she’s really fucking skinny’. But my fat doesn’t go to my thighs like everyone else… It goes to my stomach. When I was really skinny and lost my stomach fat, I had a smaller waist and you could see a slight curve. And now this stomach fat is making my waist fatter so it looks like I don’t have any curves even MORE. My body looks completely straight and unfeminine.

I.

CANNOT.

WIN.

I wonder if anyone would notice once I get a boob job… From AA to B isn’t much of a jump, right…………….? I mean, models get boob jobs all the time and all of a sudden they become hot. Not that I want surgery because of that, but just for me. So I don’t have to be so ashamed of my body my whole life.

I tried on this dress, looked in the mirror and almost cried because it made me look like a 10 year old from the waist up. It’s a dress with a singlet-top and it’s a size 6 yet it’s still really loose on my chest and it hangs so low (due to my chest failing to fill and hold it up) that my bra shows.

Then I remembered that my bra doesn’t fit either. And then I remembered that no bra ever fits me. Not even crop tops because they’re meant to fit 8-10 year old body widths.

WHY IS FITTING INTO GIRL CLOTHES AND NECCESITIES SO FREAKING HARD.

Now excuse me while I go have a cry.

Anonymous asked: Just a simple question with no intention of attacking you. If you complain about people attacking your insecurities, as well as not believing those who call you beautiful, then what else do you expect?

Because I just don’t believe it TONIGHT. I usually tell myself I’m hot or something because no one else tells me :((((( HAHAHA

Anyway the past few months, I haven’t been having trouble with the way I look. It’s just bumming me that I’m losing so much weight and it’s embedded in my head that if I’m skinny, I’m ugly. If you’ve read my posts tagged ‘self esteem’, you’d get why I don’t believe I’m “beautiful”. And I called myself ugly again a while ago because I had mean thoughts which is my fault but that doesn’t actually make me insecure, just ashamed at how ugly my personality can get LOL.

It takes a while to accept yourself when you were pressured your whole life to look a certain way. I’ve gotten through it, just sometimes I feel ugly. You don’t actually expect me to feel beautiful every single waking moment, do you? o.o

Anonymous asked: How DO you love yourself? :( because i'm overweight and I hate the way I look and I broke up with my girlfriend for the same reason as you did.

Awww, I’m sorry to hear that :(

I used indoctrination in order to love myself

http://justrunwithme.tumblr.com/post/10275866359/indoctrination

http://justrunwithme.tumblr.com/post/4832410803/joking-that-youre-hot-actually-works

I just joked around that I’m hot and joked that I’m better looking than that girl and this girl blah blah and I started to believe myself LMAO HAAHHAHAHAHAHA

But really, it starts with a little bit of confidence. With that little bit, it will help you build up more and more confidence. Like building blocks. You can’t start building without some stable foundation, right?

Here comes the hardest bit. Use every compliment to your advantage and brush off every insult as a joke. Think to yourself “I’m better than them. I don’t have to tease other people by the way they look to feel better about myself”. Unless you do……. Awks HAHA.

You usually do that better when you have that bit of confidence.

If you’re having a little trouble with finding that confidence, try focusing on what you have is good. So maybe your looks aren’t the best of you. Maybe you have a great, booming personality. Let that stand out to everyone and yourself. I was told I have a great personality by lots of people and frankly, I find that easier to accept. And for me, I realise that it makes me happier when I’m complimented on my personality. At least I’m beautiful on the inside… Yeah? LOL well some of the time…

Love the little things. Love the little imperfections. Love your uniqueness. Love how great you are. Love yourself for who you are.

I was pretty much raised to think I needed to change the way I look. No one was ever happy with my appearance. You can say that I was raised to hate the way I looked. Not by parents, but by everyone else around me. Parents are a big influence in one’s life, but their surroundings are just as influential.

My entire life I saw myself as ugly and the only way I could be pretty is to gain weight. The only way I would look better was to look “normal”. To look like everyone else. And if I didn’t, I would be called skinny or be called names. I guess all of this pressure throughout over a decade has lead me to develop an obsession to look like a “normal” girl.

And guess what? I never seemed to get any fatter. I was called names my entire childhood and people constantly asked me why I was so skinny. It got worse when I got to high school. The words just got harsher and there was more shit to say about me. People made jokes about me being flat chested as well, so it made me feel even uglier. That was when I realised there was absolutely nothing good about my looks. The only thing I could hold onto that kept me going was my intelligence and my “happy” personality.

Then one day, society came and hit me as well. Every where is “skinny is hot”. It kind of frustrated me how I am skinny yet society still saw me as ugly. How everyone still wasn’t happy with the way I looked. How big boobs were glamourized, and realising that I’m never going to get boobs…

Throughout all these years, I was not able to love myself. I didn’t know how to. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself and I wasn’t mature enough to deal with all those years of pain. Not until last year when I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried for months and tried to tumblr out my pain. I finally told everyone that I hated being called “skinny” and “a twig/stick” and “anorexic”. That’s when people stopped saying things about me. My friends bullied me the most but that was only because they didn’t know it hurt me so much.

All that expressing came with a price. I got dumped because I complained “too much” about the way I looked. Because I couldn’t love myself. Because of that, no one could love me. Bad timing, I guess. I still blame myself though.

So when new people get to know me, they probably think I’m some cocky bitch who thinks she’s hot. But really, I’ve felt ugly my whole life. This is the aftermath of the aftermath of being ugly your whole life. This is how I deal with it. I now know how to love myself and I am content with the way I look.

I went to a lecture a few months ago on tips on how to study and prepare for exams. The lecturer said we should use ‘indoctrination’ on ourself. In her terms, it meant you were to tell yourself something repeatedly until you start to believe yourself. She said “If an innocent person was told they committed a crime and was put under enough pressure, that person would walk out saying they were guilty.”

I thought it was quite interesting. It’s kind of like how people start rumors about you, and it goes around so much for so long that you start to believe it. I thought I would give indoctrination a try.

The lecturer said we were to go to our mirrors and tell ourself “I can do this. I am going to get an A+ for this exam” or something. I didn’t. Instead, I decided to focus on my confidence, since I lacked it so much.

I would go to my mirror and tell myself “You are smart. You are beautiful. You are amazing. He’s missing out on you. You are perfect.”

It works. People have probably noticed how big my ego is right now. So what if I’m a little cocky now. At least I don’t let my low self esteem take over me anymore. I went from looking at myself in the mirror and crying, to seeing all the things I have are great.

Guys, give indoctrination a try.

I have birthmarks or dark marks all over my body. I have stretch marks all over the side of my bum and around my thighs. I have bad teeth. I have a crooked jaw. My skin tone isn’t even. I’m underweight and flat chested. I have the worst tanlines on my legs. I dislike all these imperfections.

The only imperfection I like are my freckles. I love my freckles but they’re starting to fade for some reason. WHY IS MY BODY SO CRUEL TO ME.

What ever. I’m still sexy..